My Fear of Fear

I have been asked to give a short personal testimony this Sunday in front of around 200 women during our church’s regular Sunday School hour. I’m going to give a testimony on how doing things like giving testimonies in presentation form in front of any amount of people, much less in the hundreds, makes me want to die.

About two years ago I began a torturing struggle with social anxiety. This is not your everyday, run-of-the-mill, “oh no please don’t call on me or make me do anything in front of anyone but if you did i would actually deal with it and be o.k.” type of anxiety. It started with a more-than-usual amount of butterflies when asked to sing at church (like i’d been doing for years at the same church, in front of the same people.) Each song was immensely laborsome from the time I said to the music minister”sure, o.k., a month from now?” to the moment I was walking off the stage area shaken and traumatized and breathing a sigh of relief that I didn’t pass out or vomit or completely butcher the song. So to cope I convinced myself it was a passing phase and steered clear of participation in that sort of musical forum whatsoever.

Staying away from the main stage only prevented one potentially threatening situation from occurring. I recognized a sheer inability to be confident in other areas as well. I went from declining singing opportunities and any request to speak or present anything in front of people at all to being unable to sit in the presence of a group of people without a thudding heart and obsessive thoughts of fear consuming my mind about all the what-ifs that could humiliate me in that moment to a closed throat and a panicky feeling anytime I thought I was in a situation where I might be asked to pray or read a verse or give my two-cents at all.

About the time I was hitting my worst point around church circles, family, and friends, I started to run out of steam at work as well. Until this point work was removed enough from my social life that I hadn’t had to deal with anxiety, but once it started it took over quickly. I could hardly sit in staff meetings anymore, and staff meetings consisted of myself and about five other women near my age that I knew I could have fun with and joke with and it was a light-hearted atmosphere. I traded those enjoyable meetings for anxiety-stricken occassions for potential personal threat and humiliation. I even became panicky when I had to meet one-on-one with my supervisor.

Finally I confessed my issues to my supervisor who had always been very approachable and supportive. She told me about free counseling sessions offered through work that I should take them up on. I visited with a counselor four times who affirmed my thoughts that my fears were abnormal and fit the profile of a real anxiety disorder.

What I fear is fear. Fear causes people to lose control. I fear losing control. And I fear what might make me lose control, which in most cases is fear. I fear losing control in front of others and coming off as crazy or pitiful or a disaster. My fear of fear makes me fearful.

I am in a much better place now than a year ago. I took a break from any sort of up-front responsibilities for a while and allowed myself to just come to terms with a disorder that is always going to haunt me, but that through the Lord I can have power over rather than letting it have power over me. I then slowly began adding responsibilities back into my life all the while acknowledging that I am still weak and need to be confident in the Lord more than ever. I still have a hard time every single week leading a bible study or worship group. I working out how to approach each situation with confidence but I am sure that I am not to let fear keep me from opportunities to serve and minister, even if those opportunities are often in the form of some kind of leadership or giving a testimony or singing.

If I wanted to, I could have a legitimate, doctor’s orders justification for opting out of my opportunities. I could say “hey - i have a real anxiety disorder” - and anyone would understand and leave me alone. I would only be hurting myself. I would be saving some face and missing out on some wonderful chances and experiences. I would prolong a healing process that could help me cope with fear and find it gradually diminishing and gain freedom and confidence. I believe that God wants me to dive in head-first and let myself be vulnerable for a while so that I can better learn what it really means to cling to Him, put myself aside, and challenge others who let their fear become more important to them than obedience.