The Reality of Loneliness

Spring semester of my sophomore year at Virginia Tech was one of the lowest points of my life so far. Sometimes in the bible studies I have led I like to have all the girls draw their own “life map” which highlights the ups and downs and significant points of their lives and then we present it to each other so we can know more about each other and gain insight into each other’s deeper issues, past, and life journey so far. Spring semester, sophomore year always finds its place on my life map.

Why were those few months in my life so low? There was no death in the family, no health issue, I didn’t get fired from a job, have a bad haircut, or get dumped by a boyfriend. Up until that point I was thriving. I had great friends, was very involved in Campus Crusade, had plenty of activities to participate in, my course load was fairly easy, and I had an exciting summer mission trip waiting for me.

One day I broke down in front of a friend and the root of the problem tumbled out of my mouth: “I’m so lonely!”

Wait. What did I just say? Lonely. Yes. That is exactly what I am. I am lonely. I have lots of friends and I am lonely. I have a great family that doesn’t live very far away and I am lonely. I have a boyfriend and I am lonely. I have plenty of work to keep me busy and I am lonely.

Ever since that moment, that epiphany, I have realized that loneliness is a constant struggle for me. I have also realized that loneliness isn’t necessarily a feeling that we get when we are physically alone but it can be a deeper heart and soul issue when we are not connected with people on a deeper level. Loneliness is subtle. I can creep up on us when we least expect it. It can also cause other serious issues to erupt when we don’t take care of it immediately.

Loneliness is often a trigger for depression. Both situational and clinical depression. I like to differentiate the two because not everyone is clinically depressed and if you convince yourself you are clinically depressed, you can be giving yourself an excuse to just be in the pit of despair all the time instead of actively pursuing a healing process.

Loneliness can cause someone to lose motivation to do healthy, positive things and pursue healthy, positive relationships. This symptom is highly destructive if it is allowed to go on.

Loneliness can lead to sin. Combine a heartsick person with little motivation to pursue healthy, positive activities and people, and you’ve got a perfect opportunity for Satan’s lies to seep in deeper and deeper. I’d be willing to bet that many a fallen Christian can identify loneliness as a contributor to their fall, and often, a contributor to their refusal to get help before things kept getting worse.

I think people need to hear that loneliness isn’t a small thing. It can quickly grow into a deep-seeded soul monster. People need to learn how to identify unhealthy, prolonged loneliness and its destructive nature.

Most of all, I think people need to know what I’ve learned about loneliness: there’s a way out and there’s no excuse for letting it sour your spirit and slow down your spiritual growth. In my experience, loneliness went hand in hand with self-pity. I had a lot of “poor me” thoughts and feelings during that period. “Poor me” has another name: pride. When does a child of God ever have a right to say “poor me?” I learned the hard way that letting “poor me” find its way into my mind is exactly how I justified wallowing in my own patheticness. What I know and realize now is that God would have eagerly come to my rescue if I’d have had the desire to ask Him for it. Sometimes we just like to enjoy our moment to wallow, however. I wish I hadn’t because I know now that I missed out big time. Wallowing is such a distraction that Satan loves to use. When it comes to the loneliness struggle, God knows that it’s part of the human plight and here’s His provision for escape: “God sets the lonely in families” – psalm 68: 6

The very thing we lack the motivation to do when we are lonely is the very thing that God wants us to do. Get ourselves around people. People who love us and will welcome us in, faults and all. The kind of people that will make us feel like family. I would get annoyed with these kinds of people when I was at the lowest point of loneliness. At that point all I wanted to do was blame them for letting me get that low, that distant, that in need of rescuing. But then I realized the backwards thinking involved there: someone else let me get this way. Made me get this way. No. I got myself into this. The phone goes two ways. Communication takes all parties. That includes me. I wasn’t doing my part either. Hmmm, maybe i’m not such a victim after all. Ok God, I’ll do my part.

It’s funny how screwed up our thinking can get. How often we blame others for the very thing we are doing too.

There is a provision for the lonely. Not only does God provide people that we know we can go to for security and accountability, but he provides Jesus Christ, the ultimate Friend. “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Prov. 18: 24

Lonely? I can relate.

• Don’t look for your own way out, take God’s. Contact friends and family that you know will not feed into your self pity but will give you strength and encouragement to get a fresh, godly perspective.
• Be vulnerable with someone. Go to someone you know is close to the Lord and let it all out. Seeing a Christian counselor can be another option if you’re not ready to be completely open with anyone else.
• Confess. Brokenness starts with confession. Confessing that you’ve given in to the wallowing self-pity or other kinds of sin when struggling with loneliness will bring an awareness of the truth and lies of the situation.
• Be very aware of that “poor me” mentality. Confess it as it enters your mind and do not let it take residence in your thoughts.
• Give your relationships and activities a check-up. Are they healthy? Are your pursuits bringing you closer or further from the Lord? Are your relationships encouraging your behavior or destructive thinking?
• Don’t believe the lies. I constantly struggle with thoughts like these: “so-and-so will think I’m a big loser,” “that person doesn’t want to hang out with me!,” “She would never relate..,” “they’re too far away, i’d be a big inconvenience.” – they’re all excuses for not participating in the healing process. Identify the excuses and don’t let them hold you back!
• Everyone gets lonely. We like to think we’re the only ones that deal with hard issues. Um. Loneliness is extremely common. Don’t flatter yourself. If others can deal with it, so can you.
• Concern yourself with the struggles of others, make yourself available to pray for them, listen to them, love on them, reach out to someone else and get your mind off yourself. It’s remarkable how much better my attitude is when I’m not bogged down by my own concerns.

“Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.” – Psalm 68: 19