BNI = Barf Nausea Insanity

I have been moping around the office all day.

Like a small child.

Why is there a flea buzzing around my face right now.

I’LL KILL YOU, FLEA!

Flea doesn’t get it.

I had a disastrous Monday. A tense Tuesday. A nauseating Wednesday. And I would be on my way to recovery today, but nooooo, I had to go to BNI.

What is BNI all about, you may ask.

Well let me tell you.

BNI = Business Networking International. Sounds harmless enough. It’s not. Don’t be fooled.

Those who are members of BNI like to think they’re participating in a wonderful, well organized, very effective networking group of local business owners. They like to think they’re spending their once-weekly meetings conversing and gaining insight into strategies, marketing, and profiting. They would tell you their BNI meetings are an intrigal part of their business success.

Two of my co-workers are members of separate BNI groups. This morning I was sent as a “substitute” to one of these meetings. It was my FIFTH time substituting in the past month. What my co-workers do not realize is that no, it’s not o.k. to use Lindsey as their BNI substitute whenever they are simply too busy and can’t make it. Lindsey has this issue with giving presentations. It does not matter that the presentation is only a 45-second introduction of oneself and one’s company and one’s ideal referral at the beginning of the meeting, Lindsey can hardly give a FIVE second presentation without wanting to die. Lindsey has a terrible history with this stuff. Lindsey has written many a blog about her social phobia rediculousness. Don’t they know this?

BNI to outsiders like me is a weekly excuse for the community extroverts who love mingling and presenting and public everything to get together and get their extrovertedness out of their system. It’s a chance for them to feel important and glow at the testimonies about them from others and lavish in the swapping of names and numbers. Barf.

I have been humiliated in one too many BNI 45-second presentations. I have choked up, teared up, shaken up, and brain-freezed up in front of all those extroverted eyes. And I went through it again this morning. I hate BNI.

And that is why I have been moping around the office.

 

Healing Update

As many of you know, I went through a post-college-graduation struggle with social phobia. If you want to get the detailed story, see this blog. The quick recap: I left my comfort zone in college to come home to a very changed church (much larger in number and with many new faces,) new acquaintances (some are now good friends, some just never clicked,) and a wide open world of possibility (bringing this structure-oriented girl a lot of insecurity.) I began to experience a lot of internal battle over facing so much newness. The battle grew in intensity over a couple of years and hit its climax just over two years ago when I finally went to a counselor, quit my job, and backed down from some of the leadership responsibilities i’d taken on. At that point, my journey of healing began.

In February 2007, this is what I wrote about a breakthrough toward getting over the severe anxiety i’d been dealing with after a year.

So I figured it was time for a fresh update. I am overjoyed to announce that the anxiety I used to experience in EVERY type of social setting is now significantly less. This is especially exciting considering I started a new job in January and at this job am required to participate in many weekly meetings, do a little presenting here and there, and mingle with intimidating locals (we have a ritzy lake area in our county that attracts a lot of wealthy, polished families and retirees.)

I was just telling Philip last night that lately I have been tested in most of the areas that used to bring me to panick level and I have - Praise God - been able to pass with flying colors. My mind isn’t buying into lies like it used to, my body isn’t going out of control at the mention of meetings or being called upon to give a report for my responsibilities. I can and am leading bible studies again (something I GREATLY missed.) I have been leading worship (with the safety net of other band members) and am actually becoming confident in that instead of barely getting by.

The major lingering difficulty I have is reading in front of others. I continue to pray that God will knock that one out as well over time.

I hope my update can bring some of you with similar struggles hope and courage. Healing will come, be patient, pray continually, and focus on intimacy with Jesus rather than the struggle.

Meltdown

I had a bit of a meltdown last night… at church… two minutes before leading worship. Can anyone relate??

Ingredients of meltdown:

• Kicked out of media booth before getting the chance to mark down song lyric transition for slide changer guy
• Can’t find copy of chords to song ANYWHERE - (never happens because I keep multiple copies on hand)
• RUNNING back and forth to copier on other side of church
• Band members irritating stress levels by having  LOUD private jam sessions while waiting for me
• Early service attenders filtering in just staring at us (mostly older generation church members who don’t appreciate said jam sessions in the least) - why do people insist on showing up twenty minutes early anyway!!???